Worst Part of His Smile

I am not sure what is worse; the smile he gave me to reassure me as he made me believe his lies or the fact that I actually believed them. I stand here and ponder how it is I am going to be able to pick my own heart off the ground as it lays there on the ground shattered into small pieces.
The promise he made to me only fueled my pain. He promised he wouldn't hurt me like the rest have. He really made me think he was my one true love, but all he really did was made me fall hard. He left me stunned and lost. I try to keep myself in check but it is too hard. He left me stunned. I keep telling myself he wasn't the one but my broken heart says otherwise. I need to move on but it is easier said than done. For my mind is no where near. It resembles the way my heart looks. It is in the same shape; shattered to pieces and blackened on the ground.

How will ever move past your sinister ways and smile?

Butterflies

I thought it would be easy to forget you
but it has been the hardest things to do
I tried to erase you from my thoughts
but the replay of our first kiss wouldn't stop
The way you made my stomach fill and

want to burst with butterflies could never be forgotten
I have given up on true love and never will believe again
when you walked away you took my beliefs with you
You said you would never hurt as if I was expecting it
I should've listened to my gut hidden under those butterflies
You lied to me and I am the fool yet again...

Harmani Needed A Smile!

My attempt at entertaining myself and my friend Harmani

I found myself enjoying it more than I thought I would. She laughed too and smiled like a maniac. So I guess I accomplished something in life :)

Life is full of small simple things. We just need to learn to embrace them. A small smile can change the life of anyone.

HOPE

I have gone this long believing I have known how to feel, to embrace everything this whole time. But these recent months have thrown all my feelings and beliefs into a paper bag and out an open car window going seventy five miles per hour on the freeway. Being so young and so naïve, I thought this feeling was normal. Not knowing I needed certain skills to find the in-betweens.

 

The rush I felt when the window opened and the wind brushed past my face and through my hair could never be copied. The high I felt was beyond brilliant. However this feeling once the window was rolled up became overwhelming. So overwhelming my chest started to cave, my lungs went into overdrive trying to recover from the blow I had just taken, my thoughts began to race, and my eyes began to tear up. The strain on my brain left me blind. I felt like I was in the dark all alone. My heart began to ache with so much pain… The darkness of being alone has made my world embrace this hurricane. The worst part was the thought of knowing no one would be there to hold my hand when these waves crush me down, or to help dry my tears. This shadow ultimately made me feel this rush with more intensity.

But I shall have hope because it is all I have. Hope someone will find me under this sky made of stone. When I give… I give myself waiting and hoping.

January 3rd, 2011

"Behold I do not give Lectures or a little charity. When I give... I give myself." 

- Walt Whitman

I feel like a new beginning is in store for me, a new chapter in my life. In a week I am going to start my said new chapter. Hopefully I will succeed and do my best. 

My speech professor once said "Never say you will try. When you try there is room for failure. Always say I am going to do my best. Only because at the end of the day you will be able to say you did your best. Never say try." Thank you Tom! He also told me I talked really fast and had a lot to offer if I slowed myself down. He was by far one of my favorites.

This new chapter is going to be difficult and I have a feeling it is going to test my ability to be strong willed. However, a year from today I hope I will be able to say I did it. Of course I will do it with a smile on my face. 

2010 was a difficult year for me as was 2009. Both were filled with anger, pain, sadness, and shame. Don't get me wrong I left those years with great memories as well. I met a lot of people, made great friends, some of which I would consider family, but there were those I left behind and showed no mercy for. I also made a huge change. I moved back to California after living in Maryland for 4 years. I thought it was time to go back home.

I am a fast paced person. I like to move fast, live fast, and I constantly live in a hurry. Hell I married young, 18 years old, and I was divorced by the age of 23. I look back at our marriage and divorce (we will call him Sam) and I wonder if things could have truly worked out. Sadly when I look back I feel ashamed. I feel pain rise in my throat and chest as I try and hold myself together. I want to tell him so many things but I know if I did it would cause more pain than is necessary. 

I want to tell him that I did love him and never truly wanted to hurt him the way I did. I can say I am sorry till I am blue in the face but it won't ever make up for the pain he felt.

He used to tell me he was entitled to as many apologies as he could muster as long as there was a fight worth fighting. I believed him for a while. Until I saw myself allowing him to continue doing those things he was "sorry" for. An empty apology means nothing. I know now when he tells me he is sorry for treating me the way he did, he's truly sorry. 

I find myself thinking if I just would have made things work a little longer maybe we would have lasted, or what if I made more of an effort to get him help maybe it would have lasted. I can honestly say NO. 

NO, because some people aren't meant to be together forever and some are. WE definitely were the ones that should have never gotten married. Sam was an Iraq war vet and dealing with some harsh things (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and I was dealing with my own demons. Some of which I think contributed to our demise. 

When I say demons I mean... bipolar disorder, an anxiety disorder, depression, paranoia, and my favorite... panic attacks. I admit to these things only because it is a form of treatment. You learn to live and handle things differently when you are willingly open about it. I am learning to be fully open about it but it’s a process. Medication is another form of treatment but I just don't think being drugged up all day and every day is for me anymore. Been there, done that. Blah... 

I want to be happy again. No medication and no more doubting...

Life can be a magical thing and it can be beautiful. We just need to be open to it and see it that way. So with 2011 in our grasps I have a few things up my sleeves...

1 - I have to lose some of this weight (169 lbs. right now)

2 - Eat healthy and be healthy

3 - Go back to school... There is so much to learn and I am ready for it

4 - Sort through this lovely pile of debt I have set myself up with

5 - Get my passport and travel... see new places, meet new people, and live 

6 - My main thing is to forgive myself for the things I have done. The past is the past for a reason... it is time to take control of the present and live to see the future. 

Those are my goals. I won't try this time. I am going to do these things... for me and no one else. It is time for me to be happy again and enjoy it. Who knows maybe next year things will be different!

Oh! P.s. - This one is for you... Learn to take a compliment, ask for help, let someone in and let them get close to you, cry and do not care who sees you, and look in the mirror and enjoy every freckle; wrinkle; laugh line; and every inch of yourself. Don't forget to smile as well. A smile can change someone's day. It might just change yours.

Till next time –

Cal xo